Bowie is so good.  theres been far too much to think about lately, i usually live in my head which sometimes makes things complicated, but its been about 2 weeks since its caused any serious problems. i kind of dont care if the summer comes.  it will make my head hurt and then my eyes will always squint and ill complain a lot, so i dont care if summer passes us by.  Ive been coming up with a lot of movie ideas lately, but i dont think they'll ever exist outside of my head.  they are bad movies that i think only i might enjoy. i want nunchucks, even though im not good at them, they are a status symbol. might go for a walk, get lost a little. i cant get lost, ive got a great brain and a gps.  but but but, i might just go out to a corner and relax for awhile, ya dig?  PEACE OUT! oh yea, almost finished writing the new bloody blood blood, its about a secret war between ninjas and chupacabras.

last night i had a dream, it woke me up and i ran to the bathroom to vomit. it all made sense.

In the future I will measure all pain to this.

sometimes youre the cabin in the woods and other times youre the god that destroys us all.  i hate it when i hang out with people during the day because then my nights are terrible and lonely.  ive wondered about finding a bridge to live under. i think i could be an excellent troll.  i think thats the next step, isnt it?  when we see our faults and let them be.  is it better to accept yourself as you are or try to fruitlessly change yourself.  thats not really a question.  i dont really like reading the news but i do it because im getting older and i should know whats happening in the world, its a sort of obligatory skim through.  I dont know how much longer i can play acoustic, theres too much electricity and too little hip movement.  why does being right feel bad, no, not an original thought, but its still confusing. if i tried to remember really hard would my nose bleed? that happens in the movies and sometimes ive stood in the front of the mirror and tried but my nose didn't bleed but i did make a couple new faces to use when reacting to things. ive got laundry to do, actually i did some but then i didnt take it out.  eh, i dont like it when tv tries to do serious things.  i like episodic things where things from the past and future dont really matter, or at least some things do and some dont.  thats how i want my life.  i can never remember which is the blue pill and which is the red, but why did he have to take one? what would have happened if he just didnt choose, or maybe he couldnt swallow pills.

I now understand, I am Zander.  When I met my Buffy I should have told her right from the start, I should have looked her in the eyes and sang "You are my fire, my one desire, believe when i say, I want it that way." guess now ill just have to wait for Anya.  just hopes shes not a demon.

counting the ways you drive me crazy, the britney spears way. its like water torture, slowly driving me insane.

please dont go ill eat you up i love you so. i liked the where the wild things are movie.  i thought it was great. slow, but great. i want to ride a rhinoceros but im not sure that i could stay on. i would also like to  go sledding down a hill of peanut butter.  that could be great, although i would need to wear like a bread suit. awhile ago i had this strange dream where everyone i knew was speaking in french accents, and the thing is, i can't even do a good french accent. all i knew is that in my dream i had a great french accent. anyway, ive been real tired lately, so i think that i will be going to bed earlier.  but whenever i try i get sidetracked by everything.  oh, today was valentines day.  it was ok.  i guess, kind of just the same as any other day, but i got more chocolate than usual. but i dont really eat much chocolate, so....yea.  dont really know. GUITAR TIME! oh, new homewrecker is more than half finished.

Once Upon A Taco

Im preparing myself mentally for tomorrow.  i have a big day planned where I will just be recording. im hoping to get all of the guitar, keys, and misc. instruments finished tomorrow so that i can do vocals at a more leisurely pace.  but the album is called Once Upon A Taco.  its been called brave and daring, initial feedback leads me to believe i could be the next Hoobastank.  my fingers have been real bloody, the weather man, the weather.  i had a pretty good night last night and then things got weird.  maybe i got weird. i dont know, probably i did.  i had some really weird dreams too.  in one i woke up to like 20 messages and they were all pretty defamatory.  actually i kind of thought that had actually happened till i checked in the morning.  then there was another one, with some of my coworkers students.  i cant really remember what happened, maybe they killed me or something.  I want to believe in the moon landing but if China or Japan can't do it then how am i supposed to believe we could?  my notebook is starting to fall a part, i need some special notebook glue to keep it together.  i really want to be more robotic, it would be fitting.

One time I asked someone to run away to California with me. Now I realize that was still much to close. I don't know what the next step is, but I'm going to start looking at maps and learn the constellations, maybe buy a kayak and a harpoon, I've found my white whale and it's not one I could shoot so the only option left is turn tail and run. But I'm not sure what that means in winter. Maybe I should have been an Eskimo or sent word to the old country, wherever that may be. No longer in service, no longer within in limits. It's time to roll up my sleeves boys, I'm punching manatees tonight.

im real tired today, my body hurts. like i felt down some stairs, or off a building. but thats a different story.  i was trying to write some stuff today but i couldnt think of anything, well, not anything i really wanted to write about.  every day around 2 i notice that my face gets warm and i feel cold.  i think either my class has been getting too cold or i might just have a strange disease.  either way when i die make sure that my ashes are made into a tea and drank by my closest friends.  you may add other things to the ashes to make it taste better.  last night i had a bunch of strange dreams that almost always ended in mandu jumping on me.  i think i was moving a lot, because she seemed upset.  i got to sleep around 6 and then i woke up at 8.  not terrible but not altogether great either.  i want to take sleeping pills but im not sure how they work and if it would make me sleep for 8 hours.  also, im not really positive that they aren't just psychosomatic.  but tonight i need to sleep.  im super exhausted, but i really want to watch the Karate Kid.  sometimes there aren't enough hours in the day.  i don't really know how to act today, i think i did something wrong, at least i made someone upset, but i dont know what to do.  so i will probably think about that a lot tonight whilst watching Ralph Maccio perfect the crane kick.  now i also want to watch sidekicks.  sometimes theres too many pictures and the pictures get lost in pictures and the dialogues become a mess but i can still pick them out and i get headaches but its not completely unwanted, and i don't understand how people can't see the connections i see.  i might make flan. i will probably make either flan rice pudding or horchata tonight.  thats gonna happen.  but i hate doing dishes, but they are already dirty. ack!-Cathy

tonight something strange happened but i dont know what. was it me, or other people? It might be the human condition, but i don't understand people.  they should follow stricter guidelines.

difficulties

im having difficulties which i guess is super normal.  I hate that ive been getting emotional over such normal things.  No, i dont think i hate it, im just confused by it.  i keep wanting to listen to tom waits but not feel how you feel after you listen to tom waits.  i dont like coffee.  I wish there was more to put in my head, but all the stuff in my head makes me feel detached from people.  whatever, today i was playing guitar and i wrote a pretty great 80's rock song, my fingers hurt afterward but i think thats just because i havent been practicing.  Community starts soon, i start a new job 5 days after the new season of Psych starts.  people think im weird, for all i know i could go back to the hospital again and watch tons of tv and wait for my phone and people think im weird.  i think that its not necessary to try to understand people, actually i dont even know if its even worth caring about, but that might be just another thing i need to think about.  i think im going to continue with my book, even though i want Lem to die and I think cults could be the best place for him.  in the new year i will do at least 3 paintings. if you would like one tell me what to paint and send me an address.  i am pretty ok, so you dont need to worry about them looking dumb.  anyway, i will be updating more. oh, america was great, it felt great and i felt super guilty, which is something everyone should feel when they go home. tootles babe, tootles.